


In Sickness and In Health

by exuberant_imperfection



Series: Writing Under the Influence [1]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Batman!Mayuzumi, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 06:43:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4253319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exuberant_imperfection/pseuds/exuberant_imperfection
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Tetsu. I just want you know that, even though I was an asshole, and even though I left you for such a long time, you are the most important person in my life." Aomine Daiki goes on a journey to reclaim what matters to him most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Sickness and In Health

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DramaLama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DramaLama/gifts), [kate882](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate882/gifts), [Chrystie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrystie/gifts), [luckypen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckypen/gifts).



> if you get confused just keep reading i'll explain everything at the end

Aomine is a sexy sexy hooker 

Kuroko is a sexier seixer hooker

And they fall in LOOOOOOOOOOOVE

and theN Aomine put his thingy in Kuroko’s thingy, and it was so hOT AND SEXYYYYYYY WHOOAAAA WOWOWOWOWOW Kuroko’s like “OH HELL YES OMGGGG” and Aomine’s like AW YISSSSS YOU LIEK THAT HUH” and Kuroko’s like “WOOOOOO HELLLLLL YESSSSSSSS” AND aomine’s lke “goOD bc i’m putting a lot of effort in here i would hate to have it wasted” and Kuroko’s like “oh i’m so sorry i didn’t know you felt so unappreciated” and aomine’s like “hey man it’s okay i mean i am pretty fucking rock solid hard right now so i think that makes up for everything bad ever” and then kuroko’s like “omg i’m so glad we are so good at communicating!” and aomine like “i know bae this is such a good relaltionship” and kuroko’s like “i know omg let’s definitely not have any dramam in the next few paragraphs so we can keep going 5ever babe” and aomine’s like “yes i agree”

~~okay so a few paragraphs later~~

“I HATE U UR AWFUL HOW DARE U DO THIS TO ME” kuroko cried and ran away and aomine’s like “NO WHAT HAVE A DONE” and kuroko’s like “U HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST TIME THAT IS WHAT U HAVE DONE” and aomine’s like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O00O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0L0O00O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0O0”

~~then later~~~~~~

 Kise’s like “KUROKOCCHI please sleep with me to make urself feel better” and kuroko’s like “well i won’t sleep with you for your own merit but if you wanna shoot a porn film together i’m totally down with that bc i love making money” and kise’s like “well i’m super deseperate so i guess that’ll have to do”

and so they shoot the hottest porn film of all time and they make like so much money and it’s amaˆng and aomine is SO JEALOUS OMyeezuss kanye west so jealous that he agrees to shoot a porn film with Kise also

so kise is getting so super lucky rn basically

So tTHENeveryone else is also super jealous  and so Midorima and Murasakibara shoot porn video s with their significant others, Takao and Himuro, respectively, and it’s really hot and stuff

meanwhile akashi is planning his move

Akashi descends from the ceiling randomly one day in the middle of the shooting of Aomien and Kise’s porn film and it’s really shocking for everyone involved, especially for Kise bc at the moment is happened his dick wa in Aomine’s mouth and AOmine was so shocked he mAY have bitten down a little  bit and it’s a problem bc there’s blood everywhere oH GOD SO MUCH BLOOD AND KISE’S SCREAMIGN LIKE A LITTLE GIRL

several day later………………

Kise is in the hospital and Kuroko is bringing his flower. “I’m sorry this happened to u” said Kuroko and Kise’s was like “yeah me tooooo” and Kuroko’s like “would u like me to get revenge on Aomine for u me and him are currently in a fight so i don’’t mind” and Kise’s like “omg kurokoccchiiiiii….. u woud  do that for me?????” and kuroko says out loud “yes i would do it all for you” but in his head he’s like “lol i just want revenge on my asshole ex boyfriend”

and so the next day AOminr is just casually chilling in his speedo in his room when suddenly he hears thi s weird noise and he ‘s like “wtf, mate” and so he runs outside and while he’s gone Kuroko ninja’s into his room like a ninja, and he plants some WWWeeed in his room, bc WWWEEEDDD is evil, as we all know

And so Aomine goes back into his room never knowing any thing ever liek usual

and then the next day Kuroko comes int oAomine’s room with the cops like “OFFICERS, THIS. THIS S  HWERE I SMELLED  THE SMELL OF POT. I ACCUSR TH IS HERE HOOKER OF POTTING.” and so the n Aomine’s like “wait wtf mate” and get shandcuffs and he’s like “lol kinky~” but then it’s not so kinyky bc he’s in jail

but he gets one phone call

**one...**

**phone...**

**call.**

 

and

he decides to use it on his assshole ex waifu kuroko 

and kuroko answers his phone like usual “yes hello this is the Phantom Sixth Member, how can i help ur erection” but then Aomine ‘s liek “it’s me” in his gruff sexy manly man voice and kuroko’s like “oh no. aomine-kun. oh.” and thinks maybe he should apologizw or somehing for ruining AOmine’s career but he stays quiet

And the Aomine starts talkign like “okay so. Tetsu. i know that, i am an asshole. but. ur gay right so. u liek assholes. also, i liek u. and ur asshole. so. we shoud like. be together again. or at least fuck on a regular basis.”

and kuroko’s like “i don’t know if i can forgive u for all this awful thing u said to me, but, i do like fuckign u, so that’s a good start i guess

and so they do that.

but only sometimes bc visiting hour s are not very often.

so in between Tetsu Time, Aomine hangs out with his fellow inmates

and he akss them for advice “how do u woo a guy who yo uare an asshole to” and they’re all like “bro. roses bro” and Aomine’s like “omg ur totally right”

but then this one guy. this one guy chilling in the corner, he’s been there for like. thirty seven and a half years. and.  he . he has just been there for so long that nobody can tell him apart from the walllllllllllllllllllllllllllll…… kind of like Kuroko. so aomine approaches him oneday like “hey. u remind me of my ex who i was an asshole too, what i s ur name”

and the guy’s like. “u can. call me batman”

(his real name is mayuzumi but no one else needs to know that. he is batman)

and so aomien is like. “Mr. Batman sir. Batman-sama. Batman-senpai. my  Inpsirtia. You have been here for like, a buttload of year - “

“THIRTY SEVEN AND A HALF, PLUS A FEW USELESS SECONDS WHICH I HAVE NOW WASTED TALKIGN T U”

aomine in Very Intimidated

“i’m sorry batman-sama-senpai-sama, i will be moere accurate next time. anyway, so u have been here for thirty-seven and a half years, plus the several useless seconds you have now spent talkign t o my humble self, so will you please give me some advice”

“i suppose so. speak, my son”

“pkay batman, so here’s my questions. here is . my question. HOW do i , make this handsome dude Tetsu, love me for me and not just my dick, like he used to????????????”

and batman’s like “this guy. he is a batman type???”

and aomine’s liek “uyeah i guess bc he is like u”

and batman’s like “alright. so here is what u do. u have to.  u hav to. believ in the powr. THE power. u have to belive in BALL IS LIFE. bc trust me, if this guy is batman type, he belive in BALL IS LIFE more than anyone else. “

“but,” aomine protested , “i believe in BALL IS LIFE so much?????? how dare u suggest i am lesser???????? m y BALL IS LIFE is superior”

AND THEN AKASHI DROPPED FROM THE CEILING LIEK “lol but liek, MY BALL IS LIFE IS ABSOLUTE”

AND Aomine screamed like a littttttle girl, but not like how Kise screamed like a little girl, Kise screamed like a 3-year old girl, whereas Aomiene scremed like a 7 -eyar old  girl. It’ s slightly manlier.

But anyone Batman was unfazed bc Mayuzumi knows how to deal with Akashi’s bullshit, and so he just grabbaed akahshi by the face and poked out his golden eyeball. and the evil spirit inside he left, left and flew wwaw uinto the sky .

and then e Aomine, that was the moment Aomine trul

y accpted Batman!Mayuzumi as his one true lord and savior, and began his life anew

Aomine bowed, “Batman-sama-sensei-sama, please. I need Tetsu back in my life, I need it, please help me, also please don’t let Akash i or Kise fuckhi mbc that’s like gross and stuff”

and so. Batman is like “yes my son. you can be my . you can be my loyal apprentice. i wil l teach you the ways of the worl,d hthe way i once taught Akashi here”

Aomine’ like “WHAT???? AKASHI WAS ONCE UR STUDENT”

and Batman’s like “yes. but he has been corrupted by tHe **DarkSide** of the Force”

“o h okay” aomine said, and grabbaed AKashi, who is still bleeding from the golden eyeball, and threw hmim in to the nearby crowd of fellow criminals, and they tookk him and made him one of their own, and that was the ay Hooker!Akashi because GangLeader!Akashi. But that’s another storty

right now we’re tlaing about Batman and his Quest to help Aomine wwin back the love of Tetsu, the Batman-Like Man

and so. so. Batman helps Aomine break of of jail. They just kind of walked through the wall, it’s a really complicated physics thing u probabyl wouldn’t get it. so anyay they’re walking around and stuff, and Batman is talking to aomine about sutff and thing.s

“So Batman-sama-senpai-sama. How do I make him see past th worst side of me. I am an awful person. I am a hooker, and also an asshole. Those two things combined are just……… awful. I don’t know if he should forgive me.”

Batman is like “my son. there is no one who should not be forgiven. except for . excpet for. excEPT FOR the coaches and other academic leaders at the schol known as Teikou Middle School because they are genuinely awful people who like to ruin the psyches of yougn  basketball player children.

aomine’s lik e “huh what”

and Batman’s liek “dont u mind, my son. it is a distant memory for u. i’m sure it has been fucke d out of you by now, but Tetsu, the batman-like man.”

and aomine s like “okay batman. i trust u 110%.”

anf batman’s like “as u should."

and so they continue thweir journey.

okY.

OKAY

meahwile, Kuroko is continuing his career as a hooker slash pornstar. Kuroko is very contraversial because people think he is really superd uper hot an stuuf (becaus e he IS super duper hot) but also sometimes halfway throug h sex they just fuckin/ lose sight of him

liek they just / . one moment they know exactly where they’re putting their dick and the next moment they ahve no fucking cluse, they’vre just thrusting into midair

it’s a very sad thingand it gives people embarrassment but at the same time they just cant stop coming back

so Kuroko is basically LIKE THE most mary-sue hooker uve ever seen, bc everyone loves him, but at the same time everyone HATES him because he’s just SO PERFECT

Kise has recovered from his dick almost being bitten off, doctors are astonished, and atually htey just started writing a hguge research thing where they use some of Kise’s dick cells as experimental subjects, because they seem to havemo re powerful regeneratiive ability than anything else they’ve ever seen. (in short, Kise is the reason why the entire world eventually starts living until age 300 on average)

so Kise’s jealous but also, he knwows that he is now beyond the hooker stage of his life. and he also has to move on from his depserate feelings for Kurokocchi. he needs to be come his own person. so he leaves everything behind. everything. and he he he he heh eh he jsus fucking leaves and becomes a hobo and starts traveling the world

eventually he becomes known as. the most. attractive hobo in the world. with the most fierce on-point eyeliner of any other hobo. and he travels aroudn teaching life lesson to people who have desperaet crushes on cute batman-like type people suc ha Kurokocchi. because. He’s Been There. he Knows what it’s like to be in that position. it’s really changed his life.

so anyway on hi s travels he meets lots of people. Including. Batman. and AOmine. hw o are also travelling the world doing “Bring Bae Back” training.

Aomine yells “KISE U BASTARD HOW DARE U SHOW UR FACE TO MEEEEEEE” and is about to run over to fuckign shank that bitch but Batman’s like “no, my son. wait. you have to look deep inside yourself and find ur inner peace and forgive him. also look at how prettty he is that has to count for something.”

Aomine has grown as a person. “yes. ur right Batman-sama-sense-sama. i’m so sorry to have almost let you down so badly”

meanwhile Kise, well half of his is like “wtf is going on rn lol” but the other half of him is like “wow, this is really amazing, i am so glad to have been the witness to such an amazing and wonderufl transformaion”

so. so. sooooooooooooooo. Kise joins Aomine and Batman in their travels, and they all have fun discovering themselves. SEPERATELY. no dicks in assholes oka.y. maybe the occasional dick in mouth but that’s it, they most keep to themselves.

the n one day. the y get a message in a bottle. not like a bottle that drifts in from the sea, bc they are kurrently travelling thorugh the state of Ohio, BUT, it’s more like a bottle tha some asshole threw at them, and they were totally aiming or Kise bc he is so threateningly pretty they want to Kill Him, but at this point kise is just as much a son to Batman as Aomine is, so Batman THROWS HIMSELF IN THE WAY OF THE BOTTLE, AND IT SMASHES ON HIS HEAD AND KILLS BATMAN BATMAN!MAYUZUMI IS DEAD AND IT’S SO SAD Aomine and Kise grieve for days, but not before they hunt down the asshole who threw the bottle and fucking rip them limb from limb

ANYWAY

once they are done grieving, they bury Batman. sadly hey cane only label the grave”Batman” bc they don’t know his name is Mayuzumi, so Mayuzumi’s family never knows he died and never find s hi  s body it’s very sad

ANYWAY

so the message in the bottle

it wa s from it wa fro m…………………. **AKASHI**

who is now the NUMBER ONE gang leader America has ever seen, its    so incredible

it’s so incredible that people  asssssume he is the grandson of Al Capone. so. anyway\

did u guys know my greatgrandfather did dealingd with Al Capone it’s pretty crazy LOL anyway

SO. Akashi has got like so many twitter follower s but now. Now Kise and Aomine are ready to fucking poke out his other eye. and alos o kill him. SO they plot. with light yagami 

Light Yagami is in America with Misa Amane, and they’re all like “lol” and stuff idk

So they go to Light Yagami and ask him to help them kill Akashi. And Light’s like “Yo. What is his full name.” and they’re like “Akashi………. Asswipe” and so Light writes it in the Death Note but it doesn’t work bc the next day they see that Akashi has killed more peopel despite supposed to have died  like 40 seconds afte Light wrote his name in the Darrh Note

so they’re like “wtf u fucking lied to us” and they FUCKING KILL LIGHT YAGAMI AND STEAL HIS DEATHNOTE OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG when Near finds out he gives them one million dollar dolla bills for the Death Note so they give i t to him an d ue the million dollars to buy some really super deadly poison with which to kill Akashi (Aomine and Kise are not the brightest bulbs in the box) 

Aomine and Kise take the million-dollar poison and they put it on the winnig trophy for the National basketball tournament in America , bc they know that Akashi is gonna play basketball and win ,unless Tetsu is there, bu t Tetsu is in Japan SO AKASHI will win

SO Akashi wins the national tounrmant and touches the trophy. Um. okay so it kills Akashi , and also kills like 47.3 innocents who also touched the trophy on its way to Akashi.

aomine and Kise dont give a fuck about the other casualties though andd they take some money from Akashi’s slowly cooling bod.y. an d us e that money to buy place tickets back to JAPANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SO. Meanwhile Tetsu has still been super successfu l because he is still The Super Hot Phantom Sixth Member. But also he has slowly been feeling a hole in his soul, that no one could fill, not even with dicks, and usually tetsu could fill all of his dark empty holes with dicks

he sees on th e new s that Aomine and Kise are back in the country and on the run form the cops. so he. he. he uses his incredibly powerful pornstar status to contact several important people and set up a SOOPER SEKRIT MEETING where he summons Kise and Aomine to a to A SOOPER SEKRIT LOCATION and they have a meetings

AND Aomine just immediately starts crying like a fuckng baby upon entering the room and seeing Tetsu in all of his Tetsu-batman-like glory, he jst fucking breaks down, because he really e he just. i mean he’s been trainig for over a year for the moment he saw Tetsu again but really Tetsu is not somethin u can just prepare for , he is too much for mortal men like Aomine (bc although aomine  trained under batman he is not, he is not immortal)

Kise, surprisingl,y does not break down int otears at the sight of Kuroko’s glorious countenance, bc he has also spent over a year training, but instead of training to reconcile with Tetsu, he has been training  to forget about Tetsu, so he is doing okay.

Aomine is still crying

Kise is still not crying but he is a little teary-eyed because seeing Aomine is pain makes him a little bit in pain bc they witnessed the death of Batman together so they have A Bond

Tetsu is looking at them both with a Stone Cold face, almost a Princely Stone Cold face, u could say. He dismisses his body guards and when the three of them are alone he says “Hello Daiki. Hell o Kise. It’s nice to see u again”

Aomine is still crying bc he is overhwlemed by the sound of Tetsu’s voice for the first time in a year

Kise does not cy r but he’s like “omggggg i am so. butthurt. by the way. you arre saying daiki but not ryouta, why kurokocchi, why?????????”

Tetsu’s like, “goodbye, kise-kun” and orders his bodyguards to drag kise out of the room

Aomine would have fought for Kise but he’s still crying like a dumb baby 

“daiki” said Tetsu softly. “it is really so good to see your face again. i mean your dick is always great, i did not mind all the unsolicited dick pics, BUT. ur face is also gr8”

Aomine was crying slightly less now. “You mean…… you looked at all the dick pics I sent you??????”

Tetsu nodded with a small smile. A phantom smile, if u will. “Yes, Daiki. I love you. All of you. That means I also love your dick pics. Every last one of them. Even the ones that show your obvious lack of photography skillz.”

Aomine smiled so mucj. He smiled more than he had smiled since before Batman died. He smiled a realer smile than he had smiled when Akashi was prounounced to be DEAD AF.  “Tetsu. I just want you know that, even though I was an asshole, and even though I left you for such a long time, you are the most important person in my life. You ar e more important than Batman, more important than Kise, more important than all of my dic pics combined.' 

Now it was Tetsu’s turn to cry. “Daiki. That is all I ever wanted to hear in my whole life as a hooker slash pornstar, I’m so glad . “

Daiki ran towards him and Tetsu also ran towards him and that one song played in the background while they ran into each others arms with a big flowery field in the background both of them crying

And they were just chillin in each other’s arms for like a really long time, because they are so in love. And even though they’ve had their seperate journeys, they came back to each other in the end. And that’s why literaly everyone who has read this fic must now automatically by LAW proclaim that Aokuro is the ONE TRUE LOVE of Kuroko no Basuke,????????? you justl iterally cannot dispute this.

Listen. Listen. Daiki loves Tetsu, and Tetsu loves Daiki, and they will love each other until the end of time and also beyond that ebcase Batman has blessed their union, and also Kise’s dick cells have brought the revolution of medical care that will let the two of the them live literally forever so they can just love each other forever. it ‘s lll be gr8.

And maybe they will continue to be hookers and pornstars but like come on i f ur really judgin g them about that then u gotta just fuck off okay they love each other’s dicks hat is so bad about that.

Also, everyone else who i vaguely mentioned in ths fic was mildly successful too, ath the veyr least they all lived a comfrotable life with someon e they loved very mucj

But the most important part is that Daiki and Tetsu are together forever now, and all of you are Aokuro shippers now by default. Love u <3

**THE END~**

 

**Author's Note:**

> so i was totally drunk when i wrote this and i literally wrote it nonstop the whole way through and did not edit it at all, i'm so sorry, please forgive my sins, i'm still slightly drunk as i post this, bless ur souls
> 
> I'LL POST A SERIOUS FIC SOON I PROMISE <3


End file.
